I have had many wonderful opportunities in my life and I believe that new experiences are essential.
However, I do not believe that this rule applies to being a Santa under duress. In but 2 hours, Dear Reader, I will be required to demonstrate all of the jollity and bonhomie of that poor rubicund old saint while 50 children or so clamor for their presents at the staff and family Christmas Party.
After our regular Santa had to fly away (no sled involved) due to an emergency I was appalled to find myself approached as the elected stand in. “You would be a perfect Santa” they all said. This could imply several things…
“You are fat”
“You have a grey beard”
“You exhibit the qualities of a jolly but senile old man who laughs maniacally while trying to climb down chimneys”
I suspect that, out of all of our 90 or so staff, they mean,
“You are fat, have a grey beard and exhibit all the the qualities of a jolly but senile old man who laughs maniacally while trying to climb down chimneys.”
This is not how I pictured myself and certainly implies that the aura of suave sophistication I thought I exuded at work was more likely an aura of cookies and cheap cooking brandy.
I have been officially handed the Santa suit which is of a very superior type, the beard alone, I was informed, cost $199! How the hell can a Santa Beard cost $199 dollars? Is it made of genuine Santa hair I wonder?
Even though I will be wearing possibly the most expensive Santa beard on the planet, I still take on the role under duress. The children had better not have been naughty I say!
HO HO HO