Mondayitis – Not the beard!

Beard and bacteria
TJ Paris
Ah…the halcyon days before my “cut”astrophe! Perhaps I should have reattached my beard with super glue instead of flushing it petulantly down the toilet?

If there is one thing I cannot stand it is vanity!

I pity those poor fools who lavish attention on their appearances, preening and manicuring their facial hair in pitiful attempts to emulate the bush rangers of old.

Luckily I have never had to resort to such titivations as “beard oil” or “manscaping” having the great good fortune to be able to grow a perfect, luxurious beard without the slightest effort.

Obviously jealous of my huge man face-hedge, my good lady recently demanded that I reduce some of its proportions as “it made me look old” and, like a fool, I for one misguided moment listened.

That is when it happened.

Jean Dubout Sculpture
A sculptural representation of my wife’s expression when I tried to draw attention to my recently denuded facial area. One of our children also attempts to get her attention with little success.

In poorer times we invested in a pair of hair clippers so that for a fraction of the cost we could provide our four boys (and, on one occasion only, our daughter – another story…) with bowl cuts and random bald patches.

I rooted out said clippers which only showed small patches of rust and plugged them in. They made the satisfactory sound of sheep shearers and I carefully removed some stray hairs from my sideburns.

I must have had a small attack of the palsy at that moment for my hand slipped to the left and before I had time to cry out “Oh dash and blast it all!” (or something very similar) I had hacked a huge pom pom out of the side of my beard!

Six months of growth drifted to the floor and I stood there half emasculated and in shock.

There was nothing left to be done but remove the other half and do my best to neaten up the remaining fluff. I brokenheartedly cleaned up the beard on the floor which looked surprisingly like an angora rabbit out for a stroll.

I felt like Sampson just after Delilah had done the dirty.

I asked myself “Who would recognise me?”…”Would I ever be able to show my face in public again?”…and “What was for dinner?”

I finally slunk out into the kitchen to wait for the comments.

Do you know, it took 3 days before anyone commented and then it was only to give me a quizzical look and say “have you done something to your face?”

I wanted to do something to their face I can tell you!

masked paris
Who is this international man of mystery? I now know nobody cares…bwup!

All my assumptions about being the obvious centre of attention have been severely tested. I am seriously considering dying my beard blue and parading around in a unicorn “Onesie” to see if anyone notices.

I can hear them now…
“Have you done something with your nose?” or “Have you seen TJ…I think he used to live here.”

Phooey!

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23 Comments

  1. I am convulsing with laughter!! Whatever you look like, you’ll still be an entertaining fan favorite! (I should write something about women who have their eyebrows, eyelids and lips tattooed so they don’t have to do make-up each morning…no, not this gal, but I know a couple…)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi,

    My God! You are so funny, I found your blog via Jacqueline’s.

    I love your humour and your wit, it really cheered me up! @ “angora rabbit out for a stroll.” XD

    Have a lovely weekend.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lovely to meet you! Thank so much for the very kind words. So delighted you enjoyed the post and hope you keep finding things to enjoy here on Life is too short to drink bad wine. Thanks also for the follow! I really appreciated it. Very best wishes to you from Western Australia! TJ ๐Ÿ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

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