If there is one thing I cannot stand it is vanity!
I pity those poor fools who lavish attention on their appearances, preening and manicuring their facial hair in pitiful attempts to emulate the bush rangers of old.
Luckily I have never had to resort to such titivations as “beard oil” or “manscaping” having the great good fortune to be able to grow a perfect, luxurious beard without the slightest effort.
Obviously jealous of my huge man face-hedge, my good lady recently demanded that I reduce some of its proportions as “it made me look old” and, like a fool, I for one misguided moment listened.
That is when it happened.
In poorer times we invested in a pair of hair clippers so that for a fraction of the cost we could provide our four boys (and, on one occasion only, our daughter – another story…) with bowl cuts and random bald patches.
I rooted out said clippers which only showed small patches of rust and plugged them in. They made the satisfactory sound of sheep shearers and I carefully removed some stray hairs from my sideburns.
I must have had a small attack of the palsy at that moment for my hand slipped to the left and before I had time to cry out “Oh dash and blast it all!” (or something very similar) I had hacked a huge pom pom out of the side of my beard!
Six months of growth drifted to the floor and I stood there half emasculated and in shock.
There was nothing left to be done but remove the other half and do my best to neaten up the remaining fluff. I brokenheartedly cleaned up the beard on the floor which looked surprisingly like an angora rabbit out for a stroll.
I felt like Sampson just after Delilah had done the dirty.
I asked myself “Who would recognise me?”…”Would I ever be able to show my face in public again?”…and “What was for dinner?”
I finally slunk out into the kitchen to wait for the comments.
Do you know, it took 3 days before anyone commented and then it was only to give me a quizzical look and say “have you done something to your face?”
I wanted to do something to their face I can tell you!
All my assumptions about being the obvious centre of attention have been severely tested. I am seriously considering dying my beard blue and parading around in a unicorn “Onesie” to see if anyone notices.
I can hear them now…
“Have you done something with your nose?” or “Have you seen TJ…I think he used to live here.”