Tips for Flying

A plane flies above the Gothic spires of the British House of Parliament. Thankfully I was not in it.

Airline travel is God’s way of showing us we weren’t meant to fly

TJ Paris

I am not fond of flying. In fact, it terrifies me.

Sadly, being born in one of the remotest cities on earth I had to choose either to stay at home forever or grip desperately to an armrest while I hurtle at ridiculous speeds above the ground in a winged cigar tube to “go and see the world”.

These are my tips for dealing with the fear of flying.

1. Travel on airlines that offer generous quantities of booze – Ask for cointreau. Ask for another. Ask for just one more. By the third you may at least feel less like screaming and may even pass out if you have lost sleep for the previous four days dreading flying.
2. Find SUDOKU on the free games consol – I hate SUDOKU but it takes me so long to do one that at least on a 10 hour flight I can distract myself long enough for the meal to arrive. (and more free booze)
3. Distract yourself by going to the toilet. – If you don’t need the toilet, go anyway, and distract yourself by reading all the little signs. Question why they still have a no smoking sign in flights where you can’t take on anything remotely capable of igniting a cigarette. Waste time putting the little paper covers on the seat. Enjoy pushing the little lotion dispensers and wonder how on earth poor people with children can actually change a baby in the tiny space. Wait in horror for the “whoosh” noise of the suction flush and wonder where the little paper cover now resides.
4. Regularly stare out of the window and check that the clouds remain below. If you are flying at night keep checking for signs of stars overhead. If you can see neither close your eyes and make low moaning noises and when the hostess arrives ask for more booze.
5. Practise calming meditative thoughts. – I never found they worked in the slightest but at least they waste some time while you try to imagine yourself floating on a calm mountain lake or whatever other rubbish you are supposed to think about when you are in the midst of a panic attack.
6. Watch the turbulence light. If it is off that is good. If it suddenly turns on then that is good too – at least you can watch it until it goes off again although you are sure you will soon be reaching a destination not on your schedule.
7. Take a bowling ball in your hand luggage and, during the flight open your bag in the overhead locker and “accidentally” knock yourself out with the bowling ball. – This can be effective but only after you have passed halfway to your destination as the plane may turn back if your concussion is too severe.

I hope these highly practical and easily implementable interventions will assist those fellow travellers who find flying troublesome.