Cyclone Jill and John

Vaux le Vicomte seems positively squalid after the wonders of interior decorating my Parents have just wrought.

Well, what a day it has been!

I have been caught up in a cyclone consisting of two extra-ordinary people…my parents.

At my age, it is rare to still be able to say that I am fortunate to still have my parents active and with me, and I know, as we get older, many of us have to contend with the sadness of losing relatives of the next generation.

God-willing I have not dealt both of mine a fatal blow today when I said “Yes” to them both “just giving me a bit of help around the house.”

My Parentals idea of “a little bit of help” is akin to a tsunami declaring it was just dropping by to do a “little bit of washing up.”

At 9.00am I enjoyed a quiet cup of coffee in my ramshackle middle-aged bachelor pad, oblivious to the pile of dishes and the accumulated detritus of years of accumulation and accustomed routine.

At precisely 9.30 the doorbell rang and by 4.00pm my entire residence was transformed into a dream home!

These extraordinary two, my father but a year from 80 and my mother in her…well it is never polite to tell a lady’s age, and my mother is indeed a lady, have the stamina of roided-up twenty somethings and the tenacity of bulldogs (though thankfully not the appearance).

They descended, like a pair of extremely well preserved septugenarian Roman gods and Hercules-my Father, egged on by Diana-my mother proceeded to cleanse my Augean stable and then some.

Not a spore of mould would ever dare again to show its face, so pristine are all the “surfaces”. The windows sparkle, the furniture shines, the carpets glow (I am not sure if carpets do actually “glow” but when my parents have got to them they do)

Furniture moved as if by magic into configurations that would make Better Home and Garden interiors look like doss-houses. Outdoor area pavements, which, moments before were a disgrace of cobwebs and filth became so clean you positively wanted to eat off them. Curtains vanished and roman blinds appeared. Bookcases rearranged themselves and the superfluous “junk” fled to storage spaces I never knew I possessed.

By the end of it all I had to beg them both to stop as I was about to collapse from exhaustion and expire, while Hercules was still “just finishing off the windows” and Diana was eyeing off the few brazen weeds that had failed to just uproot themselves just to avoid the inevitable.

I had planned, as thanks, to prepare a roast dinner, but by the time dinner came round, I am glad to say this extraordinary pair, noticing my flagging strength, kindly suggested we order pizza.

And so we sat, in the beautiful television room that had, at the start of the day, been a pile of junk, furniture and dust, and was now an absolute delight to behold, soaking up a well deserved vino and the yin and yang of perfect feng shui while the television played suitable ambient music to match our pizza.

While I could barely move, my father was still so perky as to perform a little dance wearing a jaunty hat in the shape of the “poo” emoji bought only the day before at the royal show for the amusement of the grandchildren.

Basically, this is a thank you post to two people who I love, admire and give thanks for daily…my kind, thoughtful, wonderful parents.

We often don’t get the chance to put in writing what we think of those we love so this is my chance to put it out there…

“Thanks you two darlings!” I love you both so much, Not for what you do for me but for being the best role models a guy could have and for the joy and love you have given to my children as well.

No – offence Mum and Dad…

Please don’t offer to “just help around the place” for a while. I don’t think my body could take another beating like this again!